31 Days of Horror - Day 5 "Housebound"

Housebound (2014)

I'd seen this on Netflix but I just never could seem to pull the trigger. Then I needed more movies to expose myself to and it ended up being on a list of recommendations. So it's weak concept finally won me over with positive word of mouth. Really, all that I needed to know was that it was from New Zealand and their track record would have been enough to win me.

I always thought the concept of house arrest was intriguing for a haunted house movie, and I think it's fully taken advantage of, drawing parallels between cabin fever and actually seeing ghosts. It gives those that don't believe of the haunting a little more leeway and doesn't immediately just label them as assholes that should be listening to our poor protagonist.

The lead girl in this looks like a girl I recently dated. It was eerie but made me crack up though. My luck right? Still, I ended up enjoying the overall dynamic of the characters at play. They feel stereotypical while branching out in more dimensional ways. I really like that as soon as one of the characters sees something out of the ordinary, they don't just shrug it off, they treat it like it's totally out of the fucking ordinary. As it should be in horror films but so often isn't.

I saw this labeled as a horror/comedy and I'm not really sure if I understand that designation. Sure, there are funny moments but they're small and situational. The rest of the movie plays out like a standard horror movie. Just seems like an odd decision.

I'd call most of the decisions made in the second half frustrating at best but then that ending comes and I applaud the film for doing something different. It really turned the tired ghost story genre on its head and gave it new life.

31 Days of Horror - Day 4 "The Burning"

The Burning (1981)

I first heard about this movie through Bravo's 100 Scariest Movie Moments. They hailed it as one of the biggest special effects horror movies of the 80's done by none other than horror maestro Tom Savini. To say I was excited when I finally got my hands on a copy would be a little bit of an understatement.

Really it's just a simple revenge story. But it's a revenge story where you understand both sides in a crazy way. Obviously the kids didn't mean for him to get burned alive and were just trying to scare him. Yet to Cropsey, he's being burned alive by some little shit teenagers so in typical fashion he goes and blames all teenagers for it. And I love the natural progression of the story. One of the main problems with horror movies are unrealistic character motivations and The Burning does a good job of letting everything unfold as it should, without forcing any ridiculous twists.

The characters and the dialogue always stood out to me as being shockingly good for such a low budget horror movie. Good dialogue is a lot harder than people give it credit for and the banter between the campers excels beyond the standard "Friday the 13th' riff.

And they kill off a shitload of characters in very close succession. After so much building you'd think they would spread them out a little more but no, they end up completely taking out a group in one big go and its one of the ballsiest moves I've seen in a horror movie. They still have such a high body count that it's hardly notice so the move is more commendable than anything. My favorite part of the scene is how much of an impact the shears have due to having it hit up against physical objects repeatedly and show the reality, before cutting to a prop knife/limb. It's all the genius of Tom Savini.

I really like this movie and am truly shocked it hasn't been given the remake treatment but I'm grateful for that. At least for now.

31 Days of Horror - Day 3 "Cabin in the Woods"

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

God do I love this movie. I'd say this film reached my top 10 horror movies the moment I first saw it and I continue to be amazed by it to this day. It's just the most perfect and smartly structured story for a horror movie out there. It suddenly becomes applicable with so many other movies and adds so many levels.

It's pretty crazy that this film had such a difficult time getting released, especially when you see it. It's not just good, it's mind blowing in ways that only Joss and Drew could do. And boy does it get violent. It's amazing the shift that goes on as soon as the blonde is killed. 

And how crazy is it to see Hemsworth so small? For those unaware, he found out about getting the role of Thor while filming Cabin. Pretty cool considering Whedon's relationship with both the production and the MCU.

There's been talk of a sequel and as great as the first was, I'd really rather they just leave it at one. Not that I can even see how they'd possibly do a sequel, given the ending. But if anyone could find a way, I'm sure it's Whedon and Goddard. 

Still, I vote no on that one.

31 Days of Horror - Day 2 "Cursed"

Cursed (2005)

That picture brings back memories. It was used in Entertainment Weekly and just about every movie website used it when they reported on it. In case you weren't aware, this movie was supposed to be a really big deal. A werewolf movie -- a genre known for misfires -- written and directed by the team that brought us Scream. It was going to be the 2000's version of said slasher hit and we were all going to be amazed. How stupid we were.

It had been so long since I've seen this movie, and while I love bad movies, this one enters the territory of "So bad, it's awful." Oh don't believe me? Jesse Eisenberg literally howls at a bunch of dogs outside his house. Then there's the dog that turns into a ridiculous CGI abomination with the explanation of "my dog bit me."

Even the incident that sets the whole story up comes out of absolutely nowhere. We don't know anything about how the story is, have no sense of tone and suddenly, midsentence and without much forethought, they're in a car accident. It's not like it was so sudden that they were going for shock factor, because it leaves no impact whatsoever and instead you're just left wondering what in the hell just happened. And this is all within the first ten minutes. The movie just becomes even more of a mess from there.

The lack of logic runs throughout. There's a scene with Mia where the werewolf chases her around this building that just minutes before we saw was FULL OF PEOPLE. How is no one hearing her scream? It's like a five minute scene where suddenly the entire building is abandoned and empty. And she makes stupid decision after stupid decision.

Then there's the wrestling scene where Jesse Eisenberg, at school wrestling tryouts, starts doing a whole bunch of professional wrestling moves to impress everyone and get on the team. He's doing jackhammer suplexes, hurricanranas, and slew of other things you'd never see at an amateur wrestling tryout. It was a joke. Then there's one of Ricci's co-workers who decides she needs to OPEN UP THE BATHROOM STALL EVEN THOUGH RICCI IS TELLING HER NOT TO. Who the fuck does that? "Oh hey, I know you're in a super private area and are probably pooping, but I'm gonna open the door even though you're telling me not to. And we're at work so this will probably get me fired." It just lacks all logic.

If you were to look at the cast on paper then you may be convinced that it would at least be somewhat entertaining but no, everyone is awful and makes it surprising that they ever continued acting. Do I sound annoyed with this movie? Well that's because while I knew that it was not a good film, I was expecting to enjoy it on a so bad it's good level. Nope, it's truly just awful dreck.

Every aspect of the movie is bad. The structure, the lighting, the editing, the music, the acting. I just don't understand how a major Hollywood studio could actually produce such dreck. It's honestly one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I feel stupider for having put myself through it for the second time in my life.

One day there will be a documentary made chronicling how a film directed by Wes Craven, written by Kevin Williamson and starring Christina Ricci and Jesse Eisenberg turned out so bad but until then, we're just left trying to figure out what in the hell went wrong.

31 Days of Horror - Day 1 "Scream 4"

I honestly can't believe I'm even doing this on top of everything else I have going on (finishing a book, 31 video review for WIGS, a top 10 video, and a weekly Fantasy Football video) but I figure, what the hell? I'm only going to have x amount of free time so much in my life, so I may as well do something I can look back on with enjoyment. I always get a kick out of going back and seeing my reviews for the last time I did this. They'll probably be short like the old ones but who knows. No limitations!

It'll be a little confusing since that means I'll be doing two separate 31 film horror lists and there could be some overlap but whatever. Halloween is awesome. Let's get to the main course...

Scream 4 (2011)

I saw this in theater at a pretty shitty time in my life. I loved the Scream series but wasn't expecting it to blow me away. Instead I immediately went home and got my hands on any info about the movie possible. I was obsessed. I loved the twist, I love how they threaded in talks about remakes without having gone through with an actual remake. We still have all the original characters doing their thing and bringing the "Screaminess" to it.

I hadn't really realized it until this most recent viewing but I really wish a similar story had been done for the TV series. Rather than going with a super generic backstory, I would have liked for it to exist in the same world as the Scream movies. And yes, it hasn't been stated whether or not Woodsboro exists in the TV show--though some people are saying it is. But doing it as a continuation would have made more sense and is a big reason why Scream 4 works so well.

spoilers

My one big gripe with the film is the ending. No, I'm not mad that Jill and Charlie are revealed as the killers. I just wish that the entire hospital scene didn't happen. While it's a moot point now since the series doesn't look to be continuing (until the inevitable remake in a few years) the intrigue of Jill being out there, having finally succeeded where so few others had. It would have been refreshing and made for a unique Scream movie where we actually know who the killer is. Or do we?

Okay, sorry. I'm not pitching that movie, it's just something that always goes through my head. Plus, I was really hoping Kirby would be back for it too. Oh well.

spoilers

Ultimately I really love this movie. The only film in the series that I enjoy more is the original and that's probably because of how it pays its respects to the it while still becoming its own thing. If only the TV series had done the same...

Random Thoughts for September 2015

Straight Outta Compton was an emotional ride. I'm not even into NWA but I can appreciate a good story and this one is just so damn good. You can always tell when a story has a wealth of content when it moves so fast that a 2.5 film feels like half that. Having Easy E as the main character was the right move, even if his screen time is minimally greater than Dre and Ice Cube.

I'm so excited about October. There are a lot of cool things in the works and October seems to be when all of it is falling. Given that October is my favorite month, that just makes it even better. It'll also be my last month of creative exile before I go back into the real world. Can't believe I was actually able to take time off to be creative. Now it'll be all about making money to do something with all of those creations.

Scream Queens is the best comedy of the Fall. And I really wasn't expecting that. I knew it'd have comedy elements but I didn't realize how far it'd go with the absurdity. It's all really entertaining and I'm really looking forward to the next episode. I have a feeling it's going to have a really good payoff and with the incredible cast it has, I'm expecting great moments.

Go watch My Name Is Earl and Raising Hope. Both of these shows come from Greg Garcia and while both fall off in quality by the end, they provide at least a season each of fantastic television. I kind of forgot how good My Name Is Earl was because I was a little tainted by the third and fourth season where Earl went to prison/was in a coma/living in a sitcom. It was the epitome of a show jumping the shark. Hope unfortunately goes down after season one and by season four, the main character Jimmy is relegated to a side character while his parents Burt and Virginia take center stage and the show never recovered. Still, I think all four seasons of both shows are worth a watch because the character's are so good that it's still fun to follow their journey, regardless of the lower quality stories being told. I just wish either show was given a proper finale.

I had to shut It Follows off after ten minutes. I'm sure I'll give it another shot at some point but I was so annoyed at how full of itself it was throughout. It seemed like the director didn't understand what kind of movie he was making. The long static shots accompanied by generic music gets annoying after the third or fourth time. And that seemed to be all the movie consisted of which triggered my "pretentiousness" gag reflex.

Still watching wrestling. In fact, I'm going to Texas for Wrestlemania in April. I've got a pretty big (5000+ word) article in the works for my previous experience at Mania 31 this past April. Most of it is written but I'm waiting until closer to Mania to release it, because I may try and guest publish it on a wrestling website. We'll see.

I just love that football is back. Tom Brady and The Patriots are on a roll and looking like the team to beat. I'm 2-1 in my Fantasy Football league. I've had the most consistent team and I've scored triple digits every week so far which makes me think this will be a pretty decent season. It's still early so everything could fall apart on all fronts but things are looking good so far.

It's really weird seeing my first novel come to a close. I only have maybe a week or two until I hopefully have a final edit on Crimson Summer (I hope). I've been really anal about it and changing things last minute but I think the book is better off because of it. I edit in weird sections so I still haven't read the entire book from start to finish but that'll be what's next in the cards once I get a draft I'm happy enough with. Those that read the first half online will be pleasantly surprised with the changes made to those chapters, with more cohesion to the overall story.

I'm not even sure when I'll go to the theater next. I feel like we're in a little bit of lull after such a good summer. Then again, I could just be mad that it's yet another year without a horror stocked Halloween. Why can't we just get a couple horror movies during October? Is that too difficult? The Green Inferno is already out (and I have very little interest, given it's sub-genre) and Paranormal Activity has never been my thing.So what's a horror junkie to do? This is why people do horror marathons...

I need to make more time for reading. I'm not sure how people do it. They must have no interest in television whatsoever because I always find that calling my name before a book ever does. I've been going through Amy Poehler's "Yes, Please" and while I love it, I find myself forgetting it exists. I should really start setting aside an hour to read before bed or something. Ugh, that sounds like something a mature grown-up would do. Next please.

It's been weird not reading comic books weekly. I'm pretty much to the point that I've stopped reading anything ongoing. I go back and revisit some of the stuff I already have, but otherwise I have no interest in getting back into collecting. I talked before about the reasons, but I was really hoping something would change in order to keep me on board. Nothing really did and now I find myself saving a ton of money a week. Not too bad.

What Went Through My Head Watching... "Fantastic Four"

Sometimes I like to take notes during a movie, just to make sure that I don't forget about it when I write a review/article for it later. It started way back when I wrote my thoughts -- sequential as I watch -- on "Transformers" and posted it on Myspace. Having done it several times since, I thought it'd be fun to bring that back as a column I can bring around from time to time and talk about a movie, without it just being a review.

So what better film to start it off than one that has been flabbergasting viewers and reviewers everywhere. Let's see what went through my head while watching Josh Trank's Fantastic Four.

The film starts with a reference to Eli Manning. No, I'm not kidding. This is not off to a good start.

The actor playing Young Reed is lifeless and stale, with little to no human element to his acting.

The entire film is just so damn cliché and lazy that it's flabbergasting the level of incompetence.

Ben Grimm's abusive brother used to say "It's Clobberin Time" before the game.

So Ben and Reed meet in a junk yard and become BFFs?

Wait, so Reed Richards gets discovered… at a high school science fair?

I like Miles Teller's nerdy Reed Richards walk.

So far I'm just feeling really bad for the talented cast.

The plot itself is terrible and whoever cobbled together this screenplay should be ashamed but the actors aren't at fault here. They're all trying.

"Doctor Doom over here" heh heh heh. Seriously, that was the worst line.

Of course Johnny Storm is introduced via Street Race. Of course he is. Because HOW ELSE WOULD WE KNOW HE'S AN ADRENALINE JUNKIE!

Never mind, I take back what I said about the actors. Michael B Jordan and his father are pretty terrible.

So much exposition is done through dialogue.

Johnny and Reed have bonded over their dislike of Victor?

Also, how is everyone not super aware of the fact that Victor is a bad guy from the get go.

I like that Victor's jealousy comes from not being as good as Reed but without Reed flaunting it in front of him. He's just good.

Oh so now they're all bonding while they get drunk.

Whoever made the decision with those suits didn't realize how hard it would be to tell the difference between characters.

It's hard not to laugh at how the characters get their powers. I guess they did a better job of explaining it than the Tim Story movies but I'm not sure that's a high bar.

Annnnnnd now Reed is climbing through a ceiling grate. It's a good thing those ventilation systems are so big and that he just so happened to be connected to Ben's cell.

The time jump is just terrible. So Ben Grimm is a government weapon now?

So all of the fun part of an origin story is summed up on video after said time jump? Why?

I was kind of enjoying it and then the second half happened.

Want to know how not to do a superhero origin story? Watch the second half of this movie. Everything is so rushed that half of it doesn't even make sense.

"He'll listen to you, Sue!" Since when?

Doom looks okay one minute and like total shit the next.

This follows the most generic action beats imaginable. Oh so the father got killed right in front of them by the villain right before they head off for the big finale.

There's not much good reasoning behind why Victor would suddenly be a supervillain. Good decision to stay away from the blogger idea they had originally.

Oh god, Reed's ending speech is just the worst.

And since when did Reed learn how to fight? He was just a big nerd and never got training like the others that spent a year in the government training facility.

That was probably the worst "end battle" to a superhero film I've ever seen. I don't think the film overall was that terrible, but that end was just stupid. 
The "hero shot" towards the end sums up everything wrong with the movie: a big crater with a washed out palette. You know, that's what I want from my brightly lit comics.

I look forward to when they do this on How Did This Get Made.

Fantasy Football: Making Football Better

We are one day away from the first Sunday of the NFL Season and I for one couldn't be more excited. Is it because I'm a Patriots fan coming off a big Super Bowl win? Is it because I can't wait for Tom Brady to prove all the haters wrong? Is it because I may finally get to see the Lions make it a little ways into the playoffs? While all of those things have a degree of truth to them, nothing is more important during football season nowadays than Fantasy Football.

That's right, Faux Football. Something that doesn't have any kind of athletic merit and is mostly based on luck given inconsistency. But it's still something that has been sweeping the nation and become a multi-billion dollar industry. Hell, during Thursday Night Kickoff, there were more Fantasy Football references in one broadcast than the entire previous season. It's here and it's here to stay.

I'm playing Fantasy Football for the fourth year in a row and I could not be more excited. After four years we finally have a good group of people that want to actually be in the league. After spending so much time with people that had to be coerced and then quit halfway through the season, we have eight people that are actually paying dues and competing for our championship. It's exciting.

Especially since I'm returning champion.

I'm such a competitive person that I can't help but latch onto something that carries with it some modicum of competition. While Fantasy is a little more luck based than I'd like, it still scratches that competitive itch. And now that I'm the returning champ? Forget about any sense of common decency amongst friends, it's an all out war.

But honestly I don't really have to worry. My team is scary good this year. My starting lineup consists of Tom Brady, Eddie Lacy, Adrian Peterson, AJ Green, Julio Jones, Frank Gore, and Stephen Gostkowski with a bench that would be starters in any other league. It's kind of unfair even, especially given that this is a pay league. But that's just the way the chips fell. And it's going to make the football season that much more fun.

See, the most appealing part of Fantasy Football is that you are no longer just invested in your favorite team, there are teams all across the league you care about -- or at least players. Watching football all day on Sunday remains exciting throughout, as I have my team so spread out. Even my bench players, I want them to do well, so I'm paying closer attention to those as well.

Fantasy Football has done the impossible and made football more fun.