19. Man's Best Friend
Look at that cover art. Seriously, just look at it, bask in it, make love to it. It's just so fantastic that you can't help but go "Fuck yeah." I remember seeing this movie on the video shelves many times when I was younger. See, a major part of my video store rental routine (Video Store: They're those big abandoned buildings in your town that used to rent movies before Netflix ripped it's head off) when I was little would be to venture into the horror section. Seeing as how I was way too young to watch any of them at the time, I would look at all the covers and read the synopsis' on the back of the box. That was my routine. Made me feel like I had practically seen the entire horror section before ever seeing a moving frame.
My point is: this film was the Alpha. I had seen this cover art so many times, I thought it looked awesome. A half-cyborg, half-dog killing machine? Starring Jean Jacket with Gun?! How could this not be the greatest film of all time?!
Well, for one, a good first step would be to actually feature a cyborg-dog like the cover promises. Yet no, not once during the runtime does this dog have any robot-esque qualities. Turns out, this is just a dog that's been made into the ultimate killing machine by combining the DNA of Tigers, Lions, Cheetahs, Sharks, whatever else is considered a badass. And apparently that combination leads to the ultimate dog raping machine....wait, what? Oh yeah, that's right, this dog features dog rape. Dog on dog involuntary sex. I don't know what these filmmakers were thinking when filming this, and I REALLY don't know what they were thinking when they decided to play "Puppy Love" as the scene progressed. But that's what happened. And now I'm stuck with a perplexed expression and a new tune to croon out at inappropriate times.
And they called it Puppy Love...